never knew i was fat

is it possible that i never really felt fat until now?? i guess i never felt the 50-100 extra pounds i've been carrying around for all of my life. sound ridiculous i'm sure. i certainly saw that i was fat in the mirror EVERY DAY since i was a child. i've spent alot of money and time trying every diet known to man. a large portion of my life has been spent wishing i wasn't fat....hoping the pants will close...sucking in my stomach....etc..etc. i've dieted and lost weight in the past, only to gain it back in what seemed like one day. basically, the most frequent thoughts in my head for all of my life have been either about my fat body, my unhealthy food choices, or conjuring up some plan to lose weight by a certain event. but i still never "felt" the fat until now.

why the difference today? 6 weeks ago, jan. 1, 2010, as part of a new year's resolution of course, i started conscious meditation....focusing on my breath as i sit quietly, cross-legged on the floor....removing all thoughts, future plans, and scripts from my head.....focusing only on the present moment, my breath, my body, here and now. it is only now, through this attention to the present moment, that i've actually FELT the tightness and volume around my mid-section. with every inhale, i can feel the mass of weight around my waist. as all the "do it yourself meditation" books suggest, i do not judge myself. i simply experience my body, the tightness, the pain, the volume.

somehow, through this 10-15 minute breathing exercise every morning for the past 6 weeks, i have met the Fit Man Inside me. i like this guy....we are becoming great friends. the more i actually felt the weight around me while inhaling, the more i could sense the Fit Man trapped inside on the exhale. even though he's been in there for 48 years, he's just begun to talk to me, or maybe i've just begun to LISTEN. somehow, he has now begun to guide my food choices, quantities, and exercise. over the past 6 weeks, to the 10-15 minute breathing and imagery experience (guided by the Fit Man), i have slowly added some stretching, moving, and yoga while i am on the floor. this morning, a cold, windy February morning (32 degrees), the Fit Man motivated me to get on some layers and walk to the mail box...a 20 minute walk total.

i've also been motivated to start writing down my experience.....maybe to introduce the Fit Man to everyone, maybe to simply document this wild and empowering experience. so here i am, creating a blog for the first time in my life. some may think this is very strange, others may be able to relate to my experience, and maybe some will try it. i have no idea what is changing in me, or how this is different from every other diet and exercise plan i have tried over the decades, but i do know that for the first time in my life i can feel the physical pain and limitations that 100 extra pounds have taken on my body (i'm 5'9" and 270lbs on 1/1/10). but i can also feel the freedom, one moment at a time, as my body is losening up, and my mind is developing some clarity. in 6 weeks, i've lost 14 lbs, and i've begun to "move" as the Fit Man guides me.

i will write here as the Fit Man and I get to know eachother better. :)